The Downfall of us All

Bentley's dad and I broke up this past weekend. The first two days were all fighting. I wanted to break up because all we did is fight and he felt the same way. What really got me was that he had been texting this girl that he cheated on me with for a month and then the day we broke up he stayed the night with her and slept with her. The next day he moved in with her. So I did not want him to take Bentley or have him around that girl. We can get along about everything else just not that, he doesnt see it as a big deal, but to me it is. I'm just lost.

Tired

Tired of fighting, stressing, hating, being a bitch. Im tired of staying with someone when he doesnt even try to make me happy and blames all our problems on me. I cant help i have no sex drive, when all we do is fight i cant get aroused after that. When he says hurtful things like i used to be a slut and shit, i cant have sex with him after that, all i wanna do is kick him in the mouth. Im so tired of everything being made out to be my fault, bc im a bitch and im hateful. Im just tired of it.

Im tired of my boyfriends brother sleeping on our coach bc he has no friends to stay with and wont apologize to his parents for being lazy and unconsiderate. Im tired of being in a bad mood all day bc i never have any privacy. Im tired of my mom having to feed him when she can barely feed me and my boyfriend. Im tired of my brother having to stay in his treatment program and HIS brother gets to stay at MY MOMS house.

IM TIRED!

Weight gain

Ok so ever since I got laid off I've been eating all the time! Like I can't stop! I need to start working out and eating healthy and less. But I feel like I am too lazy to work out lol and I don't have the will power to quit eating:( something has to give. I've never been this big in my life!

Life today

So I was recently laid off last month so I'm trying to decide whether to go back to school or get a job. I was approved for unemployment benefits but I've been waiting a month and I haven't got my first check from them yet so Im pretty frustrated! To make that stress worse me and Scott have been fighting alot more. And my little brother was hanging with the wrong crowd and he got in trouble and he's been away lock up in a juvenile facility since May and now he's being moved to a group home. So life has been pretty stressful and I've been gaining alot of weight since all thi happened so I feel miserable.

Frustrated

OK...I am seriously frustrated today...This whole week has been filled with ups and downs, and lately I have been really irritable and feeling like im at a breaking point in mine and Scott's relationship. We had an agreement, when i work through the week, I put Bentley to bed when i go to sleep between 8:30-10, we watch TV he gets a bottle and when he falls asleep i put him in his crib. Bentley still wakes up twice in the middle of the night. Our agreement was Scott will get up with him when he wakes in the night, yeah right. I try to wake him up, and occassionally he will get up get Bentley bring him to bed and start to feed him then he falls asleep, and of course drops Bentley's bottle. So I end up feeding him and putting him back to bed. And so im so tired at work every day, I know I shouldnt be complaining because there are single mothers that do this all the time. But im not a single mother, my sons father and I are still dating, we are supposed to be parents together...And this morning i get a text saying my "motherhood skills are slipping" because I forgot to change Bentley before i left for work so his diaper soaked through his clothes. So naturally that really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. He was awake when I left why didnt hechange his diaper then?! I mean i forget to do one thing because i was late for work, so im not a good mother. I dont think so. In that moment when i read that i seriously thought about kicking him outta the house, and if I had anyone to watch Bentley during the day I would have. I mean this isnt the first time he has put me down as a mother during an argument. Not mention he always brings up stuff I did in the past to make me feel bad. And im just at my end. I love him I do. But I cant take being put down anymore, I do not have to put up with that!

And my brother's best friend, that has spent every weekend since like October at our house, overdosed on dramamine. And I love this kid, not like a brother but as a friend, like a family friend. He's such a great guy, he always compliments me. When i first found out on Thursday before we knew how he was, all i could think about was how he spent the previous week with us for Spring Break, and how he had complimented my hair when I had curled it Saturday(something my boyfriend didnt even do), and how he had said he thinks Bentley is the most beautiful baby in the world, and how he said he wished Bentley was his kid because he's such a good baby. That melted my heart. And ive been thinking of asking him to be Bentley's Godfather. I dont know anyone who isnt related to Bentley that loves him as much as he does. And I just cant wait for him to get out of the hospital and come back to our house. I know he hates his house with his adoptive dad, and I wish he could just move in with us. So we could all take care of each other.

Ive just been in a really dark place lately. And thinking about my dad alot more. Especially looking at Bentley and looking at my baby pictures we look just alike, and that just makes me think i wonder what my dad would say when he say Bentley. I know he would spoil him rotten, my dad always loved babies and they loved him. I just wish my dad would get the chance just once to meet my son and see me be a mom and tell me he was proud of me. I just miss him. A lot.

The only thing that gets me through the day is my family's support, and my son. I wish I could sit home with my son everyday but I cant. And I hate that.

hair cut?!

So ive been thinking alot recently about cutting my hair super short, Its at my shoulders right now...Im just trying to look at lots of pictures and styles to see if thats what i want to do or not...
Something like this...


Really i wanted a Frankie Sandford (UK girl group singer) type hair cut, but hers is a bit more dramatic than the one above, so im think of getting the top one, like Victoria Beckham and then if i like that and am comfortable ill get the more dramatic Frankie cut, which is this one below.

Work...ugh!

So things have been pretty stressful at work. Last monday our boss in our Georgia office(we are in Kentucky) called and fired our supervisor and a co-worker. Leaving me and another co-worker. We ship out all the equipment for our company and this is right in the middle of our busy season. Our boss told my co-worker that me and him would be running this department from now on, BUT he was not making either of us a supervisor and neither of us would be getting a raise. So we are stuck here doing our jobs plus the jobs our co-workers left for what we make now. Im fortunate to have a job i know this, I just wish my company wasnt such a joke. Our company is notorious for laying people off and moving departments to other states on 1 week notices. But now that it has happened in my department it really has my blood boiling. But thats whats new in my world. Think i'll start looking for another job, maybe a part time one so i can spend more time with Bentley. That'd be nice.