OK...I am seriously frustrated today...This whole week has been filled with ups and downs, and lately I have been really irritable and feeling like im at a breaking point in mine and Scott's relationship. We had an agreement, when i work through the week, I put Bentley to bed when i go to sleep between 8:30-10, we watch TV he gets a bottle and when he falls asleep i put him in his crib. Bentley still wakes up twice in the middle of the night. Our agreement was Scott will get up with him when he wakes in the night, yeah right. I try to wake him up, and occassionally he will get up get Bentley bring him to bed and start to feed him then he falls asleep, and of course drops Bentley's bottle. So I end up feeding him and putting him back to bed. And so im so tired at work every day, I know I shouldnt be complaining because there are single mothers that do this all the time. But im not a single mother, my sons father and I are still dating, we are supposed to be parents together...And this morning i get a text saying my "motherhood skills are slipping" because I forgot to change Bentley before i left for work so his diaper soaked through his clothes. So naturally that really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. He was awake when I left why didnt hechange his diaper then?! I mean i forget to do one thing because i was late for work, so im not a good mother. I dont think so. In that moment when i read that i seriously thought about kicking him outta the house, and if I had anyone to watch Bentley during the day I would have. I mean this isnt the first time he has put me down as a mother during an argument. Not mention he always brings up stuff I did in the past to make me feel bad. And im just at my end. I love him I do. But I cant take being put down anymore, I do not have to put up with that!
And my brother's best friend, that has spent every weekend since like October at our house, overdosed on dramamine. And I love this kid, not like a brother but as a friend, like a family friend. He's such a great guy, he always compliments me. When i first found out on Thursday before we knew how he was, all i could think about was how he spent the previous week with us for Spring Break, and how he had complimented my hair when I had curled it Saturday(something my boyfriend didnt even do), and how he had said he thinks Bentley is the most beautiful baby in the world, and how he said he wished Bentley was his kid because he's such a good baby. That melted my heart. And ive been thinking of asking him to be Bentley's Godfather. I dont know anyone who isnt related to Bentley that loves him as much as he does. And I just cant wait for him to get out of the hospital and come back to our house. I know he hates his house with his adoptive dad, and I wish he could just move in with us. So we could all take care of each other.
Ive just been in a really dark place lately. And thinking about my dad alot more. Especially looking at Bentley and looking at my baby pictures we look just alike, and that just makes me think i wonder what my dad would say when he say Bentley. I know he would spoil him rotten, my dad always loved babies and they loved him. I just wish my dad would get the chance just once to meet my son and see me be a mom and tell me he was proud of me. I just miss him. A lot.
The only thing that gets me through the day is my family's support, and my son. I wish I could sit home with my son everyday but I cant. And I hate that.
