Tired

Tired of fighting, stressing, hating, being a bitch. Im tired of staying with someone when he doesnt even try to make me happy and blames all our problems on me. I cant help i have no sex drive, when all we do is fight i cant get aroused after that. When he says hurtful things like i used to be a slut and shit, i cant have sex with him after that, all i wanna do is kick him in the mouth. Im so tired of everything being made out to be my fault, bc im a bitch and im hateful. Im just tired of it.

Im tired of my boyfriends brother sleeping on our coach bc he has no friends to stay with and wont apologize to his parents for being lazy and unconsiderate. Im tired of being in a bad mood all day bc i never have any privacy. Im tired of my mom having to feed him when she can barely feed me and my boyfriend. Im tired of my brother having to stay in his treatment program and HIS brother gets to stay at MY MOMS house.

IM TIRED!

Weight gain

Ok so ever since I got laid off I've been eating all the time! Like I can't stop! I need to start working out and eating healthy and less. But I feel like I am too lazy to work out lol and I don't have the will power to quit eating:( something has to give. I've never been this big in my life!

Life today

So I was recently laid off last month so I'm trying to decide whether to go back to school or get a job. I was approved for unemployment benefits but I've been waiting a month and I haven't got my first check from them yet so Im pretty frustrated! To make that stress worse me and Scott have been fighting alot more. And my little brother was hanging with the wrong crowd and he got in trouble and he's been away lock up in a juvenile facility since May and now he's being moved to a group home. So life has been pretty stressful and I've been gaining alot of weight since all thi happened so I feel miserable.

Frustrated

OK...I am seriously frustrated today...This whole week has been filled with ups and downs, and lately I have been really irritable and feeling like im at a breaking point in mine and Scott's relationship. We had an agreement, when i work through the week, I put Bentley to bed when i go to sleep between 8:30-10, we watch TV he gets a bottle and when he falls asleep i put him in his crib. Bentley still wakes up twice in the middle of the night. Our agreement was Scott will get up with him when he wakes in the night, yeah right. I try to wake him up, and occassionally he will get up get Bentley bring him to bed and start to feed him then he falls asleep, and of course drops Bentley's bottle. So I end up feeding him and putting him back to bed. And so im so tired at work every day, I know I shouldnt be complaining because there are single mothers that do this all the time. But im not a single mother, my sons father and I are still dating, we are supposed to be parents together...And this morning i get a text saying my "motherhood skills are slipping" because I forgot to change Bentley before i left for work so his diaper soaked through his clothes. So naturally that really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. He was awake when I left why didnt hechange his diaper then?! I mean i forget to do one thing because i was late for work, so im not a good mother. I dont think so. In that moment when i read that i seriously thought about kicking him outta the house, and if I had anyone to watch Bentley during the day I would have. I mean this isnt the first time he has put me down as a mother during an argument. Not mention he always brings up stuff I did in the past to make me feel bad. And im just at my end. I love him I do. But I cant take being put down anymore, I do not have to put up with that!

And my brother's best friend, that has spent every weekend since like October at our house, overdosed on dramamine. And I love this kid, not like a brother but as a friend, like a family friend. He's such a great guy, he always compliments me. When i first found out on Thursday before we knew how he was, all i could think about was how he spent the previous week with us for Spring Break, and how he had complimented my hair when I had curled it Saturday(something my boyfriend didnt even do), and how he had said he thinks Bentley is the most beautiful baby in the world, and how he said he wished Bentley was his kid because he's such a good baby. That melted my heart. And ive been thinking of asking him to be Bentley's Godfather. I dont know anyone who isnt related to Bentley that loves him as much as he does. And I just cant wait for him to get out of the hospital and come back to our house. I know he hates his house with his adoptive dad, and I wish he could just move in with us. So we could all take care of each other.

Ive just been in a really dark place lately. And thinking about my dad alot more. Especially looking at Bentley and looking at my baby pictures we look just alike, and that just makes me think i wonder what my dad would say when he say Bentley. I know he would spoil him rotten, my dad always loved babies and they loved him. I just wish my dad would get the chance just once to meet my son and see me be a mom and tell me he was proud of me. I just miss him. A lot.

The only thing that gets me through the day is my family's support, and my son. I wish I could sit home with my son everyday but I cant. And I hate that.

hair cut?!

So ive been thinking alot recently about cutting my hair super short, Its at my shoulders right now...Im just trying to look at lots of pictures and styles to see if thats what i want to do or not...
Something like this...


Really i wanted a Frankie Sandford (UK girl group singer) type hair cut, but hers is a bit more dramatic than the one above, so im think of getting the top one, like Victoria Beckham and then if i like that and am comfortable ill get the more dramatic Frankie cut, which is this one below.

Work...ugh!

So things have been pretty stressful at work. Last monday our boss in our Georgia office(we are in Kentucky) called and fired our supervisor and a co-worker. Leaving me and another co-worker. We ship out all the equipment for our company and this is right in the middle of our busy season. Our boss told my co-worker that me and him would be running this department from now on, BUT he was not making either of us a supervisor and neither of us would be getting a raise. So we are stuck here doing our jobs plus the jobs our co-workers left for what we make now. Im fortunate to have a job i know this, I just wish my company wasnt such a joke. Our company is notorious for laying people off and moving departments to other states on 1 week notices. But now that it has happened in my department it really has my blood boiling. But thats whats new in my world. Think i'll start looking for another job, maybe a part time one so i can spend more time with Bentley. That'd be nice.

McFly - That's The Truth - official video

McFly! I love this band, so sexay!

Bentley Scott's Birth Story

So his story starts on November 23, 2010. I am sitting at home watching my 1 week old niece while my sister and mom went to the store, my boyfriend Scott and my brother had gone to one of Scott's friends house. Its around 5:30 im sitting on our love seat watching tv and have Makenna laying on my chest burping her, when i hear a "pop" literally, and gush. Now im thinking oh shit its time. I get up and sit Makenna in her crib, and go to the toilet, my pants and underwear are soaked, and its still leaking. I call my mom first and tell her, then i called Scott and said you need to come home my water just broke. They were all home within 10-15 minutes. Scott and I went to the hospital. I was put in a room right away and checked my water had definitely broken but i was only 2cm, and about 60% effaced. After about an hour or so I started having mild contractions, not bad at all. After they had called my dr and told her my progress she was on her way and informed the nurses to start me on pitocin to make my contractions more regular and effective. Pitocin is hell, and those contractions were definitely something i had not mentally prepared for. Now when in pain I apparently like to toss and turn, and breath very heavily, so thats what i did with contractions. I was finally able to get a dose of Stadol and then told to relax, try taking a hot bath in the jacuzzi tub and try to progress before the doctor got there. Well easier said then done. My doctor checked me i was 4cm almost completely effaced. I asked for an epidural, my doctor told me once my contractions were stronger and more regular id get it. I was in soo much pain, and when i wasnt contracting i was completely out of it thanks to the Stadol. So looking for any kind of relief i begged for an epi or another dose of Stadol. I got one more dose of Stadol, then was checked again, i was 6cm completely effaced, i finally was aloud to get my epi! I was in heaven then, still looped up from Stadol though. About an hour, or an hour and a half after i got the epi i was ready to push. I pushed something like 4 times and then his head was coming out and my dr told me she was going to have to cut me, so she did and out he came.

At 2:21am on November 24, 2010 at 7lbs, 2oz. and 20.5inches Bentley Scott was born. At that moment he became my world.

mommy thinks...

So im sitting here in the living room, watching Bentley play in the walker, and he's just so cute chewing on his little teething rings...He's 3 and a half months, are they even supposed to teethe this early?! Idk... FTM syndrome has me on this one lol. Its times like these when im sitting here watching Bentley play and i sit here bored just watching, i wish i had more mommy friends, more friends with kids my son's age. You'd think since his cousin, my niece was born 9 days before him he would have her, but my sister and her daughter usually stay at her boyfriends and they only visit for a short amount of time...Plus Makenna and Bentley dont interact yet anyway lol. Oh and Bentley has been coughing alot and sounds like hes wheezing, the dr thinks he is allergic to smoke. So far everyone has been good about not smoking around him at all but he still does it...the dr said his lungs sound good, but he wheezes like he has asthma. I feel so bad for him. But at least hes happy and otherwise healthy. We go for his 4 month check up in 2 weeks, im eager to talk to our doctor about how Bentley's progressing. Not so eager for those shots again, it broke my heart last time. I think im going to put Bentleys Birth Story on here...may do that tonight lol...Bye for now.

Introduction

Ok so let's see introduction. My name is Candice, im 22, soon to be 23. I am blessed to have a wonderful, healthy son named Bentley who made my life whole when he entered it on November 24, 2010 at 2:22am. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day i love him and he loves me, and one thing is clear we both love our son more than anything in this world. Scott is a great father to Bentley, no doubt about that. Lets see, I work full time as an asset tech at a medical record company, pretty much i make phone calls and check scanners. Ive worked there 3 years. I would much rather be a stay at home mom, but you gotta do what you gotta do for your children. I was born and raised in Florida and i have lived in Kentucky for the past 8 years almost. I love it, i miss the beach and the sun, but i love the small town feel, and the southern accents, and the down to earth people. I am the oldest of 3 children, my parents were married for 21 years until my father passed away in October 2008. His death effects me in many ways, and i think about it daily, even after almost 3 years. My sister is 18 months younger than me, she had her daughter Makenna 9 days before i had my son. They will be very close cousins. I cant think of much more, Mr Bentley is hungry. Bye for now.